mindset of the week: the perfect mistake

the perfect mistake

trembling..
hearts stops, realistically speaking
the speed in my heart beat drops..
a faster heart rate is what im seaking, to continue breathing
i hold a candle to my blurry vision because i cant believe
what confronts before me, cant fathem what im seeing
its like the reality behind a tradgity brought the joy my soul needs,
a keeper to keep its keeping's.
it seamed so unbelievable, couldnt controll the joy
inside me because of my recent find
something i never thought would come laying infront my eyes
seamingly perfect.. even with the flaws
i could have loved him unconditionally, not needing any cause
could have given him strength when he was knocked to the curb
could have showed him the real, when no one made it occur
cause when your windy days tries to blow you away, ill hold you down,
so hold that one in your heart. cause i look at you and think to myself,
looks like he has been hurt, something cut him up.. something sharp.
something took a bigger picture out of his life, not giving him the will to trust,
something that convinced him that all that mattered was length my hair flowed, and the size of my bust.
this at one time seamingly perfect figure revealed himself each little crack and chip and frey,

but after seeing all the damage on the product, it never mattered..

cause i loved him anyway

a brief consideration

hello hello heloo,

so tonight as i was running,
i got into a trend of thought..
i had a long day today,
and i spent it with a friend of mine..
and some things occured to me over the course of the day.
i always wonder "how come good guys are so hard to find?"
or "why is it i see guys going after the same girls"
i see that a guy's perfect girl is:

-deep curves
-big breasts
-big backside
-long nails?
-"swag" (rolls eyes)
-piercings
-loud voices
- a girl that loves to pine

why is it a dude cant love a girl who doesnt want to have sex?
or appreciate a girl when her style is a bit different?
or go with a girl who's breasts arent as big as the "ideal"
why is it a guy cant say "i want to love you" instead of "yo can we pine?"
im so used to hearing the same thing over and over again.
a man rather idolize my bodily features then idolize my oppinion
or emotions or who i am as a person.
he rather grab me by my waist and stick me to his pelvis, and have his way.
have you eer thought to stick yourself to a chair, and hear what i have to say?
i dont need a relationship.. but its getting harder and harder to find someone.
lol, today my friend made note of the fact i live in brampton and said "yo like you live in a fishbowl, a bubble !" and i could do nothing but laugh, because its partially true.
but then it struck me, if im in a fishbowl.. and im seeing this many flaws in guys..
and the selection aint even that great, what do i really have to look forward too?
i hope that it really isnt as bad as it's looking.

maybe a girl like me isnt ready for world of that
maybe i should just hold on tight do what i have to do now
and "panic" about ending up alone later.

so when you males out there decide to change up your criteria,
give me a shout.

but for now?
-deuces.

mindset of the week: a note to people w. hate

hey everybody i know im very late with this one
but sunday night my creative juices just werent flowing.
so tonight im feeling a bit full..
and need to release some of it,


a memo to those who have hate:

it has occured to me quite recently,
the amount of verbal release people do frequently.
and it isnt to my face.. as a matter of fact
no one has the courage, so its kept behind my back.
behind closed doors, where it isnt confirmed or considered "really said"
but just a little side note to those who do this..
im filled with so much knowlede,
as if im recieving head.
as if those people you trust,
are really taking it in for the sake of you..
the shit you decide to broadcast about me is coming back my way..
and believe it to be true.
ive heard so many things..
its comical..
i choose to laugh.
this whole he said she said buisness, yall retarted..
i repeat yall are daft.
cause ive been accused of all these things
how many of you really know me?
can you point me out in a room..
ill stand beside a bunch of people,
go on and show me.
cause in that case its true
you like to run youre mouth..
its what you do..
and who am i to keep you from youre day job,
dont let me intrude.
its what youre known for
you be like the newspaper
"toronto sun" but let me take in all of your stories.
how many's true?
not a single one.
cause you create controversy to get attention
without it your a nobody in everybody's eyes..
you cant be appreciated for who you are,
so you sell out pointless lies.
so shall i demonstrate what you tryna create?
give you a good example, to get love with out dishin out hate?
ill give some time to procreate one top notch rate.. [tic toc]
youre outta time, sweetie i won
your done.. checkmate.

so affiliate my name with nothing that comes out your mouth,
cause its sad you use my name to show others what youve been about.

to have haters i guess im proud,
cause what are they achieving in the here and the now?
all they doing is contributing to my laughter, does that statement induce a rising of your brow?
cause take it in..
i give it to 'em simply like
LAUGH OUT LOUD

she's always down for you

hello everyboday !
so today myself and my friend monique
had to travel down to mississauga
because my parents had lost my health card.
so i had to go all the way down there and replace it.
so the office is right outside square one,
so i figured im already down here might
aswell do some shopping [L]
so i go in the mall knowing i have to buy a pair
of shoes.. not kicks sadly.. but pumps for a sweet 16
this saturday. so i bought the shoes what ever and now i had to stress about accessories,
and the color of the shoe was awkward so i was in for a real treat finding
corresponding material to go with them
as me and my friend were passing the body shop
i couldnt help but think of my mom..
fragrance and what not..
so i thought to myself..
how many times does she go out and buy me stuff
how many times does she have to bail me out of shit
i got myself into
how many times a day do i get rude with her in which i am SOO out of place
how many times do i take it in and appreciate all the things she sacrafices
because im in the picture?
how many times do i sit down and and spend time with her when she is alone at home..
i rather go galavanting with my hoodlem friends and leave her to dry, when all she wanted was to chill with HER bestfriend?
so today i thought to myself..
instead of going buck wild in H&M buying all the beautiful trinkets my eyes laid gaze on..
i went into the body shop and went up to dude and said..
i want to buy my mom something.. he asked me is it her birthday?
special occasion? and i was like no.. i just want to buy her something..
and suprise her.
he showed me some mini gift baskets, and told me coconut was the hottest this season,
so i baught it for her.

i never even thought to care about the money i could
still have in my wallet (or in H&M's cash register)
the thought of my mom's sacrafices overpowered that,
and it drove guilt if you will into me.

i wrote a small note in a card and left it for her when she walked in the door..
something soo small, made her grin sooo many teeth,
and that felt better than any necklace around my neck would.

so the next time you go to buy
the latest nike release..
or you found out H&M is having an 80% (yes hard to resist i know i know) sale..
think about grabbing a lil summin-summin for mommy..

because through all the people that walk in and out your life..

-she's always down for you

mindset of the week: mind over matter

hello hello hello !

so this week im doing an inspiration piece.
something that shouldnt bring anyone down..
something to uplift your spirits :)


mind
matter

i got the ability
to stabalize my stability,
i have my own will..
im runnin this game,
im my own dam refferee.
im not bound by the shackles in
which i was once tied..
i can controll my well being,
and i dont have ignorence..
i have pride.
my goals are set to reach limits im told i cant achieve
because in todays world, im seen as an incompitent girl..
but i shall make it.. just believe.
it doesnt matter where youre coming from,
its where youre going right here right now,
you dont need to follow the path walken on;
start a new one, and teach younger generations how..
controll is within the being..
not who around wants to say what,
because life is for you to create there arent auditions if you work
hard enough you can make the cut
because a necesseity isnt for you to be partying drinking living it up
or what it seams to be because what
happens when you cant afford a home,
and youre stuck.. all alone..
cant even afford that blunt that got you in that mess..
do you see what im tryna get you to see?
take controll of who you are,
dont stutter.. confirm it,
say it plain, because when you take your life in your hands
make so that everybody who ever doubted you knows your name.
it isnt about it being too hard, its about getting harder towards the fact..
we all have this little thing called mind over matter..

go on,
let me see what you can do with that.

COME FIGHT ME.

good evening world. today was pretty good,
had a bbq with two friends of mine,
im the master at cooking hamburgers..
its beeeeen decided ! but anyways on to the point of my blog tonight...

so my school..
dyouvile..

is one of the most MIXUP SCHOOLS in brampton.
everyone talks.. nobody walks.
girls complain about other girls all the time,
but do you think anyone seriously does anything?
people will stand in your face and hype up acting all big and bad..
but they won't do jack shit !
i say, if you really and truly have the energy
to yell and scream and throw down to stomp around
flailing your hands in the air..
you should have enough energy to throw a punch..
gwan and swing your left hand !
like lmao i decided this year..
if anyone approaches me having something to say to my face,
i am not even going to give them the opportunity to speak in my ear..
cause i dont care what their problem with me is..
the only thing that matters is
how they are gonna go about dealing with it
all i have to say to them is "come fight me"
no matter what the situation.. "come fight me"
obviously im not gonna say it
if they come up to me calmly to discuss a situation nicely.. or how they are feeling.. then im all ears. its when they hype up and act like a foolish ignorant uneducated individual is when i shall whip out the "come fight me"
because i have no time to hear what you have to say,
it would take me less time to pummel your ass to the ground.

Just understand, that this is the "flex"
as you teens these days like to call it.
take or leave it,
or better yet?

-come fight me.

good morning.. goodnight?

wadap world..
i just walked in the door and i am HELLER tired.
today has just been an outrageous day.
i went from snug and tug in my bed under my sheets...
to out of it at SEVEN THIS MORNING.
you dont understand the intensity of that..
like really.
ugh mother felt that i should wake up..
because she was in a cheery mood,
and she still had the UTMOST AUDACITY..
to question my crankiness.
maybe it had to do with the fact i went to bed..
at oh i'd say five am.. and was risen from my slumber at seven am.
so i stayed up doing god knows what.. my mind cat think straight due
to the fact i am still running on that ridiculous 2 hour sleep..
oh i forgot to mention,
i TRIED sneaking a quick nap in..
but a wonderful combo of phone calls/text mssgs/im's/and my mother's beautiful yelling..
sleep isnt an option. i had to travel all the way to a totally different end of brampton
to go visit some dutty cattie i gave the title as my best friend.
AND THEN... i had to hit up a famo function..
where coolie people were in attendance,
you can only picture what that was like..
because EVEN THOUGH this bash was for a baby,
it did not stop the serving of rum and every other alcohol
under the sun.. accompanied by old carribean people dancing thinking they are cool,
when you just want them to stop.
in addition with remarks such as:

-oh chil, you grew soo be-a-u-ti-fa-ly (take in the breaks, because thats how it is said)
-gyal you sure you nuh want nuttin else to drink?
-come nuh, dance wit me
-eaaaaaaaaaaaat !

soo.. i am CRAVING MY PILLOW.
i am soo ready to crash and not wake up untill the week before school starts..
i say week before because of course
i need to do some SERIOUS back to school shopping..
[even thoguh i attend dyouville, and we have uniforms]
you can never have to much clothes?


ANYWAYS..
goodnight?
goodmorning?
dont matter to me..
IM SLEEEEEEEEEEEPING !

-finally