realizing, some things just dont change

ive wasted tears;
only to drown in my own ocean.

ive wasted laughter;
just to have laughter shouted back at me.

ive wasted time;
just to realize it was all too late.

ive wasted hope;
just to see it crushed in front of me

ive wasted breath;
just to realize it got lost the minute it left my mouth.

ive wasted my love;
just to remind me that it doesnt exist for some.

but most off all ive wasted thought;
on something that never gave two seconds of thought for me.


realizing.
somethings just dont change.

a consultation: with myself

hello everybody,

so whats new?
well im here tonight to talk about something
that i want everybody to do at some point in the near future.

a consultation: with yourself.

lately i dont know what it is but ive been judging myself
on everything. i seek out my own flaws and it hurts because so
many people think of me as someone who is confident and maybe even a tad bit conceited.
but here's the thing. im not.
a lot of people tell me how pretty i am and how beautiful i am blaw blaw blaw.

but no matter how hard i look i dont see it. now a lot of girls might
be able to find relation to this simply because every girl will look at themselves
and be able to find something wrong with themself.. but its all in how far you take it.
i can honestly confess i do not know who i am,
i know my name is meagan fiddes
i know im 16 years old, i know i have light brown eyes and cherry chestnut hair..
but.. i do not know who i am. i know i dont seem to like what i see when i look in a mirror,
but i dont know why. i dont know why it is i cant see what other people see,
its like i have been given greedy eyes, i only want what i see i dont have,
and i am blind to what is sitting right in front of me. sometimes my friends will catch me looking
in a mirror and i know they are thinking to themselves.. there she is checking herself out again,
but the truth? im asking myself why cant i look like this.. and i try to form the image i want in my head so im able to push myself to get to that levle of happieness. I try to think to myself
just imagine if you were 3 sizes smaller, these features would look so much nicer
and that shirt would fit right, and those jeans would look amazing
its all about if only's, i wonders, and i wishes. i feel prone to do something that will gain me those things.. and at any cost.

so tonight i sat down on my bed and i looked in a mirror and my goal was this:
"meagan youre gonna look in that mirror and you are gonna break yourself down piece by piece and youre gonna find what your bestfriends love.. youre gonna find what every boy that has every liked you has loved.. but most importantly youre gonna find what you love.
so i stared and stared and discovered:
i like the way my eyes look when light hits them.
i like the way my hair can be a mess, but i can play it off as a messy cute kinda thing.. y'know?
i like the way my nose is shaped
and i like the way i look when i dont have tears in my eyes.

i like the way i can write poetry and its as beautiful as the meaning behind it
i like the way i can take the most serious situation and find a way to laugh about it
i like the way i find reasoning behind things you wouldnt think of.. why do frogs ribbit?
but most of all i like the way i feel when i like the way everything is.

i find a peace inside myself, that the next time i try to look in a mirror
i dont think of if only's, i wonders, and i wishes i think..

i like this, and thats that.

so confront yourself, question yourself.. but question reasonably..

because the best feeling is feeling like you like eveyrthing you are.

*a consultation: with myself

Been there, done that, walked around

hola,

so tonight i dont feel like ranting.
i feel like expressing.
yes there is a difference.
a rant would be me telling you
every single thing that crosses my mind, pointless. no?
but me expressing whats real, is concise yet sets the image
im aiming for you to see.

have you ever felt like the world has nothing left to offer?
like you litterly "been there done that and walked around" ?
like youve seen all that youve needed to see, maybe even enough to make
you yell out enough is enough, i cant take this world anymore?
i have.

i get frustrated. i get anxious. i get wasted inside.
i almost get drunk, because ive intoxicated myself with
the alcohol this world puts in me.
ive over loaded on how much i can actually handle.
i am intoxicated.
yet i can walk around, and that is the downfall in it all.

i wait for someone to bring change, for something to sober me.
im waiting for someone to break a stereotype.
im waiting for a girl to become president.
im waiting for a guy to fall in love and be 100% genuine in the matter
[i wanna see that for myself]
im waiting for wars to be a part of history, and not our future.
i want something to happen where i can have no opportunity to say

been there, done that, walked around.

-bring it-