R E L I G I O N

helloooooooooo !

soo tonight i have something superduper amazing to talk about. and i know
by the title some of you are like, oh great.. saturday night church.
but thats not what im doing tonight. so last night i went to my friend
erica's birthday get together at her house, and i was talking to some people
and some how we got on the topic of "run this town" and the back masking in it,
and the hidden lyrics. i knew that jay-z's song "99 problems" had mack masking in it..
but i never knew jay-z was a big time satanist that ALL his music contained it?
[or majority anyways] so today as i was sick i thought im bored.. i want to do some research.
so i did research on jay-z and this devil business and i came to learn and discover
how many other artists do this. from the rocawear logo.. to beyonce's alter ego "sasha fierce"
[which actually derived from the demonic egyptian princess "sasha" way back before jesus' time]
to rihanna using it in her umbrella song! i came to discover sooo many things about the music industry and how many artists use it that i [for the first time in all of my life] hesitated to
listen to music. i usually play music no matter WHAT im doing.. whether im on the comp, cleaning my room, reading, watching tv, on a bus somewhere; but today i hesitated just because
all i could think about was the fact that.. what am i really listening too? what is actually being
told to me when i listen to these songs. I BET none of you know that soulja boy's "crank that"
has back masking in it too. its not dissing god.. but played backwards it talks about eminem
being emo.. and how white people "steal his food" in the metephor speaking "white people
take the food off his table/money out his pockets" havnt you ever wondered why back in Beyonce's destiny child days her music was so relaxed almost and "pop-ish" but nowa days she always look like she is having some mental breakdown in her videos? its only ever since she has been with jay has these occurences taken place. i look at things like this and cant help but wonder.. what else is going on around me that i have no idea about that influences me everyday?
something as bold face as "3-6 mafia" NEVER occured to me its meaning, i never thought to put
2 and 2 together. and that is something blatently obvious. it made me start questioning
where i am with my faith. Religion to me has always been something important, but i wont
front i cant say it has always dominated my life. i pray before i sleep, and usually before i eat
but i never actually free willingly sit down and connect with God for a minute. It struck
fear into me of where im going to be when my life is done. who i will be before i die, and what path my life is set to follow because of my lack of spiritual connection. it genuinly scares me because i dont know what position im in right now, i cant actualy be certain that if i died right now where id be. and to me.. that is a problem. i want to be sure of where ill be for all of eternity.
it just shocked me that music, something i spend most of my life making, listening to, enjoying,
doing everything too... could have such evil in it.

just gave me a glance at something ive never seen before.

finding that spark.

good evening,
hows everyone?
im hoping yall are doing well.

tonight i thought to myself..
i have the drive to write right now..
but i dont have the spark to find what it is i want to discuss.
i feel a creative outburst bubbling inside me,
but when i start typing, its like verbal throwup.
it comes out messy. i force myself to a topic then it comes out the wrong way.

what does it take to be a good writer?
what do my pieces need to provoke the reader to catch a feeling,
that cannot be described? when someone reads my writing
i want them to be so taken aback by what im saying
that selfishly [on my part] the whole point of what im saying..
could be forgotten, but that feeling of reading something meaningful
sufficed you.
is it like saying..
-you want to go swimming and not get wet?
because the words being the water you indulged yourself in yet
the moisture didnt over power you? thats what weak writing is.
its going swimming with out getting wet.
if you cannot indulge yourself in what you are putting yourself into,
what is the point of indulging in the first place?

it's about finding that spark.
you dont just wack two sticks together and boom, you have fire.
it takes a spark, an ignation.

something to sprout from.
its a paradox within another paradox.
a paradox is something that doesnt make sense.
so even though a paradox is something obscured..
cant meaningless writing be a paradox?
because it doesnt make sense to write if there is no feeling in it.
it doesnt make sense.
a paradox.
paradox writing.

the point behind this very entry..
is it paradox writing?

-or did some where deep inside of you,
did some sort of feeling,
or emotion get aroused.
did i rpovoke thought?
*because if so i accomplished something,
and i guess i found my spark.

you cant fight fire with fire

what happens when you add 2 buckets of water?
you get more water.
what happens when you put garbage together?
it makes more garbage.
do you see where im going with this?
when you fight fire with fire it only creates more flames
ignorence breeds ignorence..
it takes but one person to step up and be more mature in a situation
and let the other person throw their flames at you, and waste their breath right?
when someone cusses at you, and you cuss back what happens?
the cussing goes outta controll right?
right.
in those situations things never gets resolved because everyone is doing the same thing.
i see people fight and its the same charade over and over again.
girl yells,
other girl proceeds to yell..
hair pulled..
like, really?
come on.
cant you step it up
do something different?
or be the bigger person?
you cant fight fire with fire.
it only creates more flames..
more tension.. more heat.

so im gonna keep it short and sweet because i have school tomorrow...

*how about instead of fighting with fire.. creating more combustion..
why dont you give water a try?
whatever that water may be.

the first person to love, is yourself

evening folks,
havnt written in a while, but tonight
something more powerfull,then a "OMG LAST DAY OF SUMMER"
article is in place. as young adults [teenagers] most of us get caught up
in being accepted, in feeling loved..
in having that other person at the end of the day to say
"dont dream of me to hard now" before you go to sleep
we strive on the fact that having someone in our lives is a key role in "growing up".
we alter and change ourselves to meet somebody else's standards
and diminish ourselves so that we are no longer who we are,
but a beautiful idea in someone else's eyes. we try so hard to fall in love..
that it no longer is love, its lust.
we try to do it so quickly, and meaninglessly that we trap ourselves
in a "in the moment" situation, where we just feel hurt in the end.
and then on top of that.. we question why we are hurting, why it failed
and why things never seam to work.
we hurt ourselves thinking that we arent good enough.
or that we are too fat
or we are too skinny
or our chest is to flat
or men.. why you're not "deezed"
or.. yea no mention needed [lol]
we always criticize ourselves.
just because a person didnt find our qualities "to their standards"
why is it.. in every situation, we are the ones with the problem?
why is it everytime a relationship [if you even want to call it that] fails, we blame ourself?
why are you at fault?
i use to do the same thing.
i used to lay and stare at the ceiling asking "what is wrong with me?"
wasted tears because i thought the root of the problem was myself.
when subsequently i should put everyone else after myself.
intead if foccussing on finding love in someone else...
i should start loving myself.

*i never gave myself the chance to believe; im better then what you take me for