play them cards right

Hello !
what is up yall?
i have been super duper busy,
so i havnt gotten to hit up the blog scene in a minute,
but i figured tonight i have some time so might aswell burn it.

what do you do when you have 5 options in front of you?

do you pick the first thing you see?
do you do innie minnie miney moe?
do you front and stress?
do you take up all of them?

whats your happy median?
where do you draw a line..
i always would stress when i had to many options,
id frunt on my self thinking..
its a problem.

yes laugh..
i thought having doorways.. was a problem.
ahahahahahahahahaha
*dead.


my thing was i never knew how to disperse what i was doing.
so i went to a wise friend of mine and showed him what it was.
he brought it to me like this:
play your cards right.

as if it was a line straight outta a tupac song?

he broke it down for me and it made sense.

why am i gonna trip over having options?
arent options what we look for these days, a variety..
its like what would you prefer? manderin? or McD's
like its all about thinking ahead as to what youre doing, draw that happy
median as to where
you drop your cards..
and pick up more.
cause sometimes the last thing you need is a full house,
drop the weak cards,
save those strong ones, and
play em right.

and dont feel intimidated..
cause dam..

*you need to run it for your own self

my drug addiction

crack,
mixed with a lil cocaine,
you supress my nerves like a drug;
but here i got more to gain,
skip the injections..
i get straight to the high
dont have to over dose on anything,
cause lovin you gives me life.
high like indescribable,
me lovin you, just understand its
undeniable,
undeniable like the adrenaline flowin,
and the context of my emotions pourin out with out me knowin
its deep.
like a cliff with no bottom,
and when pulled apart i need revival,
pull out the meds.. i want em.
i need em, cause you are just that drug..
and when its me against you it fits so right,
i consider it more comfortable then smug.
so let me skip the pain and negetive..
get straight to the high..

because ive been through enough shit
so this is it,
and i aint ever lettin you pass me by.

-you are my drug

inspite of the crowd

good evening everybody,

so tonight i dont wanna talk about the same thing,
i wanna do somethin new,
so tonight i wanna talk about the crowd.

ever since we were children we are taught to
recognize things in groups.
and it doesnt change as we grow older.
from learning:
-fruits
-vegetable
-meats
-junk

to facing realities in school:
-nerds
-populars
-artsy kids
-comedians

we always associate things back to a group.
a crowd. when youre at school, and you're on lunch,
do you ever try to sit by yourself? or do you frantically
search to find a familiar face, so you dont stand out
but more so blend in. people these days,
mostly youth/teens feel like standing out is a bad thing,
its like we always need that comfort zone, or things go out of
wack. but have you ever thought that inspite of the crowd
you are something unique, different, and special?

dont always think you need a shelter covering you blending you in,
break the norm, and maybe even try sitting by yourself one day.

because there might be 100,000 people around you,
but i bet you, not one of them can build the person
that you are.

thats just going against the crowd.

selebit*

hello,
good evening..
soon to be good morning.

right now theres something going through me.
it isnt sitting well.
it doesnt feel right,
im trying to figure out how to give a word to the deffinition.
have you ever woke up looked to both sides of you
and felt like something changed from when you went to sleep
to when you woke up?
have you ever tried to speak but when you did,
your thoughts didnt even make sense?

i have an abstinence for nonsense.
i dont allow it,
i dont do it,
nor understand the point in it.
its almost like being selebit to the superficial of the world.
so when i dont feel like the real me,
it bothers me like you wouldnt believe.
im havin moodswings,
im havin cravings.. not for food
but for something real.
i wanna hear someone tell me a realization
they had, because thats when i smile.
i just wanna be broken.
then be fixed.
i wanna struggle,
but float within an instant;
and i wanna know when i wake up in the morning,
my life is as real as i left it..
even though it aint as completely real
as i want it.

selebit to the superficial,
and thats how its staying.

failing to function.

hello world.
so im blogging.
im sharing a piece of feeling,
an oppinion,
a theory..
as to how im thinkin.

so i realize..
these days girls [including myself] complain about guys.
a lot. more than necessary. its like everytime a guy does us wrong,
we complain and generalize their whole species.
i just thought to myself. there must be somebody out there,
someone that will look at you and see the world in your eyes.
there is someone out there that will see you when youre sick and claim,
youve never looked better.
there is someone out there that will see the extra little chubby part on your stomach,
and consider it more to love.
there is someone who will watch all of your flaws, but say you're perfect.
the affection they have for you will cause blindness towards all that you see as, blemishes.
yea of course i wish i could say i knew who it was going to be,
and there are many times we feel we found the person we felt would be this individual,
but the truth is i cant say i know where that mr."built for me" is.
i never thought to think about the possibility that maybe there is a reason
maybe there is a point, as to why it hasnt happned yet.

maybe the surface of what im expecting, is holding me back
from finding the deeper connection im looking for.
maybe i myself am the reason i cant find an individual who will love and accept me.
maybe its my high expectation that is limiting me from what i need.
the typical guy i go for, never worked for me before..
so why do i chase the same thing now?
its like a child touching a stove continuously, you get burned regardless.
maybe the anxiety built inside of me feels it cant "settle"
and it just wants what has never worked before..
even though it needs what its been to afraid to try.

R E L I G I O N

helloooooooooo !

soo tonight i have something superduper amazing to talk about. and i know
by the title some of you are like, oh great.. saturday night church.
but thats not what im doing tonight. so last night i went to my friend
erica's birthday get together at her house, and i was talking to some people
and some how we got on the topic of "run this town" and the back masking in it,
and the hidden lyrics. i knew that jay-z's song "99 problems" had mack masking in it..
but i never knew jay-z was a big time satanist that ALL his music contained it?
[or majority anyways] so today as i was sick i thought im bored.. i want to do some research.
so i did research on jay-z and this devil business and i came to learn and discover
how many other artists do this. from the rocawear logo.. to beyonce's alter ego "sasha fierce"
[which actually derived from the demonic egyptian princess "sasha" way back before jesus' time]
to rihanna using it in her umbrella song! i came to discover sooo many things about the music industry and how many artists use it that i [for the first time in all of my life] hesitated to
listen to music. i usually play music no matter WHAT im doing.. whether im on the comp, cleaning my room, reading, watching tv, on a bus somewhere; but today i hesitated just because
all i could think about was the fact that.. what am i really listening too? what is actually being
told to me when i listen to these songs. I BET none of you know that soulja boy's "crank that"
has back masking in it too. its not dissing god.. but played backwards it talks about eminem
being emo.. and how white people "steal his food" in the metephor speaking "white people
take the food off his table/money out his pockets" havnt you ever wondered why back in Beyonce's destiny child days her music was so relaxed almost and "pop-ish" but nowa days she always look like she is having some mental breakdown in her videos? its only ever since she has been with jay has these occurences taken place. i look at things like this and cant help but wonder.. what else is going on around me that i have no idea about that influences me everyday?
something as bold face as "3-6 mafia" NEVER occured to me its meaning, i never thought to put
2 and 2 together. and that is something blatently obvious. it made me start questioning
where i am with my faith. Religion to me has always been something important, but i wont
front i cant say it has always dominated my life. i pray before i sleep, and usually before i eat
but i never actually free willingly sit down and connect with God for a minute. It struck
fear into me of where im going to be when my life is done. who i will be before i die, and what path my life is set to follow because of my lack of spiritual connection. it genuinly scares me because i dont know what position im in right now, i cant actualy be certain that if i died right now where id be. and to me.. that is a problem. i want to be sure of where ill be for all of eternity.
it just shocked me that music, something i spend most of my life making, listening to, enjoying,
doing everything too... could have such evil in it.

just gave me a glance at something ive never seen before.

finding that spark.

good evening,
hows everyone?
im hoping yall are doing well.

tonight i thought to myself..
i have the drive to write right now..
but i dont have the spark to find what it is i want to discuss.
i feel a creative outburst bubbling inside me,
but when i start typing, its like verbal throwup.
it comes out messy. i force myself to a topic then it comes out the wrong way.

what does it take to be a good writer?
what do my pieces need to provoke the reader to catch a feeling,
that cannot be described? when someone reads my writing
i want them to be so taken aback by what im saying
that selfishly [on my part] the whole point of what im saying..
could be forgotten, but that feeling of reading something meaningful
sufficed you.
is it like saying..
-you want to go swimming and not get wet?
because the words being the water you indulged yourself in yet
the moisture didnt over power you? thats what weak writing is.
its going swimming with out getting wet.
if you cannot indulge yourself in what you are putting yourself into,
what is the point of indulging in the first place?

it's about finding that spark.
you dont just wack two sticks together and boom, you have fire.
it takes a spark, an ignation.

something to sprout from.
its a paradox within another paradox.
a paradox is something that doesnt make sense.
so even though a paradox is something obscured..
cant meaningless writing be a paradox?
because it doesnt make sense to write if there is no feeling in it.
it doesnt make sense.
a paradox.
paradox writing.

the point behind this very entry..
is it paradox writing?

-or did some where deep inside of you,
did some sort of feeling,
or emotion get aroused.
did i rpovoke thought?
*because if so i accomplished something,
and i guess i found my spark.